How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex Toys

July 7, 2018

Written by Lotus Blooms Staff Writer

July 7, 2018

Written by Lotus Blooms Staff Writer

Talking about sex toys with your partner is not always fun and games—in fact, it can be downright paralyzing! If you’ve ever hidden your vibrator from your partner, or struggled to figure out how to suggest introducing a toy into your shared sex life, you know what we mean. Wondering why it’s so hard to talk to the person (or people) you’re most intimate with, or how to get past it and start the conversation? We’ve got tips and scripts to help you out! Usually, the things that get in the way of talking about sex toys fall into one of two areas: When they’re jealous of your solo pleasure It’s true—people of all genders and sexual orientations can feel threatened by their partner’s masturbation habits. As a society, we have some pretty harmful and untrue ideas about what purpose masturbation serves and what it means when our partner masturbates. Any of these sound familiar?

“If he really found me attractive and sexy, he wouldn’t need to look at porn.”
“If she uses a vibrator, is she even going to need me anymore?”
“That dildo is bigger than my penis—does that mean I don’t satisfy him?”
“People only masturbate if they’re not getting enough good sex.”
“What if they have better orgasms with their toys than with me—will we break up?”
“I feel kind of creeped out that my partner needs to get off so often!”

So it’s understandable that if you’re already using a vibe or another toy when you pleasure yourself, or you’re intrigued about trying one out, you might feel like you need to be sneaky about it or worry about how your partner will react if you try to tell them. You might even be questioning whether you’re “normal” for wanting to masturbate if you’re in a relationship! (Hint: you are. Masturbation is totally natural and is a separate impulse from the desire to have sex with another person.) When they feel insecure about using sex toys together Sex leaves us all deeply vulnerable, with a lot of room for self-doubt and insecurity to creep in, and that’s especially true of the sex we have with our partners. We all want to feel desirable and to enjoy knowing that we’ve satisfied our lovers (and preferably rocked their worlds!) Suggesting something new, like introducing sex toys into your play, walks a very fine line between seeming adventurous and sexy and seeming like a polite way of saying “the sex we have isn’t good enough”. Yikes! No wonder it feels like a pretty big gamble to tell your partner that you’d love to try a couples’ vibe or that you fantasize about using anal beads when you’re having an orgasm. Ironically, the longer you’ve been together, the harder it can be to start the conversation, especially if you haven’t tried anything new in a long time. Does wanting to use sex toys—alone or together—mean I’m unhappy in my relationship, deep down? Nope! In and of itself, it’s a totally neutral (and natural) desire that doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything deeper than that it sounds sexy and fun to you. And in fact, we’d venture to say that it means that you value yourself enough to want to treat yourself to the kind of pleasure you want to have when you want to have it, and that you care enough about your partner and your relationship to want to explore the types and intensities of pleasure that you’re able to give each other. Introducing sex toys into your lovemaking is a great way to increase your intimacy, make new discoveries about each other’s bodies, and have lots of fun! How to start the conversation Find a time when you’re alone together and relaxed, but not planning to have sex—for example, if you’re lounging in bed together on the weekend. You could show them a website like ours if you want to talk about a specific toy, or you could just bring up the idea in a more general way. Keep it focused on your pleasure and what you want to share with them, not on the idea that anything is lacking or missing. Here are a few possibilities for getting the conversation started:

“I’ve been curious about trying out this vibrator—I think it would feel good to find out how my body would respond to something ‘buzzy’.”
“I think it would be sexy if we browsed this site together/went to this store together and picked out a couple of toys that intrigue us to try together—what do you think?”
“I’ve been fantasizing about having you use a g-spot stimulator on me and watching me have an orgasm from it. Would you be willing to try that?”

Preparing to talk through their doubts and fears Every relationship is different, and it’s hard to be sure sometimes whether your partner is actually going to have objections or insecurities about sex toys or whether you’re paralyzing yourself by thinking about everything they might say or feel. Either way, it can help to think through some of those things and decide what you’ll say if they come up, so that they’re no longer such big obstacles for you that you never even try to talk about it. First, remember that if your partner does get upset or feel threatened or just seems weird about the whole conversation, their feelings are valid even if their specific fears aren’t going to come true. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that they want to know that you still love and desire them and that they give you pleasure. It can help to remind them of all the things they do to you and with you that no toy can do—the way they kiss you or touch you, the things you say to each other, the feeling of your bodies close together in different positions, how it feels when you go down on each other. Emphasize the fact that any pleasure you would get from a toy is an “in addition to” and not an “instead of”, and that part of that pleasure is the fact that they’re sharing it with you. When you’re talking about using a sex toy solo, though, you don’t need to apologize for wanting to masturbate, and it’s important to remember that your body belongs to you—you don’t need anyone else’s permission to enjoy giving yourself pleasure in whatever way you choose, not even your partner’s. You may need to explain to your partner that this is your time to focus on yourself and move at your own pace, and that you want to be able to talk to them about this side of your sexuality without feeling shame or treating it like something you both pretend doesn’t exist. It might help to encourage them to talk about their own masturbation, how they feel about it, and what they might secretly want to explore, and to show them that you’re open about and accepting of that part of their sexuality. Some scripts for specific situations Let’s go through some of the common things that your partner might think or feel, or that you might be afraid they’ll say if you bring up wanting to use sex toys, and we’ll suggest some ways to respond in a productive and loving way. (If you’re talking about a toy for solo play) “Why can’t you use that with me?”

“I want to be able to take my time exploring how it makes my body feel, and just trying different ways to use it myself instead of trying to explain what I want you to do differently.”
“When we’re having sex, part of what I enjoy is giving you pleasure—but I also want to have time for myself where I’m just focused on my pleasure.”
“This lets me get to know my body better in a relaxed, curious way, and that helps me be better able to tell you what I want or what would feel good when we’re together.”

“Does this mean you’re bored or unhappy with our sex life?”

“Not at all! I want to keep exploring each other’s bodies and the ways we can get each other off, because I bet we can still surprise each other.”
“I want to try this toy with you specifically because it makes me hot to think about seeing your reaction/you seeing my reaction to it.”
“Actually, I love knowing I can share my fantasies and interests with you because it makes me feel like we’re really adventurous!”

(If your partner is a straight cis man) “If I let you use an anal toy in me and I like it, won’t that mean that I’m gay?”

“All it means is that there’s a lot of nerve endings around your anus, and that prostate stimulation feels good—it’s really not that different from me getting pleasure from anal play.”
“There aren’t any sex acts that belong exclusively to one sexual orientation. Butt play feels good for lots of people, and I feel sure that you’re still going to be attracted to me even if you like getting penetrated!”
“No, that’s a myth that comes out of the negative stereotypes our culture has about masculinity and gayness. It’s actually really common for hetero couples to enjoy giving and receiving anal play.”

“What if you get addicted to using that toy when we have sex, and I can’t give you an orgasm without it?”

“People aren’t ‘addicted’ to sex toys if they’re the most reliable way for them to cum. If it turns out that this toy helps me have great orgasms, it’s not really that different from discovering a sex position that makes it easier for me to get off.”
“If it turned out that I need that toy, all it means is that you know the best ways to help me have an orgasm, and that’s just going to make me feel great about our sex life!”
“Having an orgasm is just one part of sex. Your body and the way we connect and touch each other is still going to give me a lot of incredibly deep pleasure, no matter how I have an orgasm.”

“I feel like that toy is weird/dirty/gross.”

“I don’t want you to feel pressured to try anything you’re not comfortable with, but can we talk about what makes you feel that way about it?”
“Can I tell you why the thought of using it is sexy to me? It’s okay if you don’t change your mind about it, but maybe we can find something else that makes me feel the same way and that you’re more interested in.”
“Are you totally opposed to it, or is it partly that I caught you off guard? If this feels like a side of me you didn’t think I had, maybe we need to take some time to talk about it after the surprise of it is past.”

Feeling a little better prepared? Good luck with your conversation, and we hope it works out that you and your partner feel closer than ever! Is there a reaction we didn’t cover here? Put it in the comments and we’ll give you suggestions for addressing it—or, as always, feel free to get in touch with us via email, phone, or in person to ask for help figuring it out. And remember—if you live in or are visiting the DC area, a trip to our store in romantic, lovely Old Town Alexandria to check out toys in person makes for a wonderful and sexy date night!

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex Toys

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