"I Want to Want It”: Understanding Desire

“I don’t even think about sex anymore. I want to want it. I miss the feeling of wanting it.”

If you’ve ever had that thought, you are so not alone. We hear it in the shop all the time. Generally, we hear it from folks who are on the other side of some major life transition- be it becoming a parent, a career change, someone navigating grief, and of course from folks who are navigating life during big medical changes.  People tell us, it’s not just about not having sex—it’s about missing being the person that wanted sex.

That part, the "I want to want it." that's 'desire'. So, you in fact DO have desire. Wanting IS desire.  What you need now is to learn how to set yourself up for successful sex. And the first step? You have to believe you're not broken. 

We tend to use the words desire, arousal, and pleasure interchangeably and without much intention, but they actually describe very different parts of the sexual experience. 

Desire is the wanting.
Arousal is the physical and physiological response.
Pleasure is the actual experience of enjoying it

If you’re reaching for a solution to one, but the real struggle is with another, it’s no wonder things aren’t clicking. A vibrator might enhance arousal or pleasure, but if your obstacle is with desire, a vibrator likely won't resolve it.

Its a frustrating cycle that often plays out something like this: You think to yourself "I know, I'll muster up the courage to walk into a sex shop and will buy an expensive vibrator so that I can 'spice it up' and then I'll want sex again." And then, when the vibrator doesn't make you crave sex, and maybe the vibe works for masturbation but fixes nothing with partnered sex, it can feel hopeless. And the next thoughts are, "I'll never feel like I did before." Sound familiar?

But you're not broken or hopeless. You've just never been taught how the brain and body work. All you need is a little language to describe what's going on, and a little bit of science to help you understand how normal you really are.

Where Did Your Desire Go?

What likely happened is that you deprioritized your sex life because life demanded it. Not because you don’t care about intimacy or your partner or yourself. But if you've been through a major life change, you’ve been focused on staying alive, healing, managing symptoms, doing daily life, showing up for others, working, taking care of your family, and maybe just trying to feel okay in your body again.

Desire didn’t disappear. It just got nudged out of the spotlight. And given everything you’ve been through, that makes perfect sense.

The Two Types of Desire (and Why One Gets All the Attention)

According to educator and researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski, there are two primary types of sexual desire:

• Spontaneous desire: It shows up on its own, often in anticipation of something sexy. Think: “Ooh, I want you right now.”

• Responsive desire: This one happens in response to something pleasurable. You don’t start out wanting sex—but once you're in, you realize you’re into it.

Now, here’s the kicker: spontaneous desire is the version we’re taught is “normal.” It’s what movies show. It’s what we think our bodies should be doing. So when we don’t feel it, especially after life changes or further into a long-term relationship, we panic.

“What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I want it anymore?”
“Will I ever get that spark back?”
"Am I just not attracted to him anymore?"
"Have we grown apart?"

Sound familiar?  Take a deep breath in. (Please? For real).

We are here to tell you that not craving sex, but still wanting to have it, and wanting to like it, that's normal. Common. Valid. Healthy.  And statistically, it’s actually the more common kind in satisfying long-term relationships. These are all signs of a person who experiences "responsive desire"

Why the Spontaneous Desire Myth Hurts Us

Most of us weren’t taught that there’s more than one kind of desire. And when we don’t experience spontaneous desire—especially if we used to—we assume we’re broken.

That belief alone is enough to shut down the whole system. Self-critical thoughts like “I should want this” or “Why don’t I feel sexy anymore?” don’t exactly get the juices flowing.

And the truth is, spontaneous desire might not be your style anymore—or ever. Especially if:

• Sex hasn’t felt good lately (physically or emotionally)

• You’re unsure whether your partner still sees you as sexy

• You’re still adjusting to a new body, sensation, or sexual identity

• The “anticipation” of sex is wrapped up in anxiety, discomfort, or grief

If the thought of sex brings up stress, how could desire show up spontaneously?

What does 'Responsive Desire' Look Like?

Responsive desire means the urge for sex typically follows action—not come before it. It means you might not feel a “spark” until you’re already engaged in something sensual, emotional, or physically intimate. That could be:

• A cozy make-out session that leaves you wanting more

• A sensual bath or massage that relaxes you and lets you fantasize 

• Reading erotic fiction or listening to a sexy audio story to get you in into a sexy headspace

• Touching yourself just to see what feels good, no pressure for more

The Takeaway

If you’ve been wondering why you don’t “want” sex the way you used to, the answer might not be about wanting at all. It might be about how you experience desire—and giving yourself permission to explore that.

Here’s what we want you to know:

• You are not broken for not craving sex.

• You don’t have to “fix” yourself to be worthy of pleasure.

• You might just be a responsive desire person—and that’s beautiful.

• Pleasure is still possible. It just might ask you to approach it differently.

You want to want it? Good. That means the spark is still there—just waiting for the right kind of invitation.

Next time, we’ll talk about what gets in the way of arousal and how to reconnect with your body in ways that feel safe and good.