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In Full Bloom: The Love Language of Acts of Service

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Written by Lotus Blooms Staff Writer
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Written by Lotus Blooms Staff Writer
This is the fifth in our five-part series of posts exploring the languages of love and our recommended resources and gifts for connecting more intimately with your partner based on which ones are strongest for them. You can also check out our posts about gift-lovers, quality-timers, affirmation-lovers, and touch-lovers. We’ve finally come to the end of our In Full Bloom series about love languages and styles with this post. I’m personally pretty excited to have the chance to close out this series by writing about Acts of Service, because it’s hands-down my own #1 love language. Talking about what it means is, in itself, an act of service to all of you reading this, so it’s doubly meaningful to me. If you’re not familiar with the love languages or with the idea of “acts of service” as one of them, it might seem like it’s all about waiting on someone hand and foot, or having to do lots of extra work, or even like it’s a kinky BDSM thing. Let’s start by getting a clearer idea what it means to do or receive service as an expression of love. The best way I think I can describe it is what my playwriting teacher used to say about our scenes: “Show, don’t tell!” Acts of service are about walking the walk. It’s about showing love by doing things that make the other person’s life easier or more pleasurable, or that take care of them or fulfill their needs in some way. If you’ve ever known someone who was the “strong but silent” type who was practical and maybe didn’t often say “I love you”, but if your car needed an oil change, they’d just do it for you without being asked, you’ve seen a great example of a strong service lover. How to know if you or your partner are driven by Acts of Service The easiest way to spot a service-lover is in their need for a physical, non-verbal demonstration of love. You can lavish them with poetic language and sexy talk morning till night, but they will feel like it’s just words unless it’s backed up by actions. In fact, they might even be suspicious or cynical about love talk, which can be surprising and hurtful if you yourself are a Words of Affirmation lover for whom praising and complimenting your partner is your highest expression of intimacy. Here are some other things to look for in a service lover:
  • They are probably a natural caretaker—the one always offering to bring food to funerals and sickbeds, the ones who will pet-sit for you or drive you to the airport or come to your house at 2 AM with a pint of ice cream when you’re fresh off a breakup.
  • They probably have at least a streak of Type A in their personality; organized, productive, on top of things, maybe a bit of a perfectionist. At work, they’re the ones everyone asks to help them find things or fix things.
  • They might be a bit fixated on liking things done a certain way, or wanting things to be a certain amount of clean in the house before they can feel comfortable.
  • They’re good at anticipating others’ needs and might be rather empathetic in general, always able to see others’ points of view or put themselves in someone else’s place.
  • They may need to see something in action to really understand or appreciate it. It’s not that they don’t have imagination or vision, but they may tend more to the hands-on than the abstract.
  • They may, by the same token, have an easier time explaining things if they make mockups or demonstrate something than simply by talking about it.
 If you or your partner is low in acts of service as a love style, however, it will be hard to understand things like why someone could feel less loved because the dishes aren’t done, or feel like your expressions of love are never appreciated or treated like they’re good enough. It might be no big deal to you if your partner forgets to do something they promised to do. Requests for some kind of action might feel like a chore or a drain to you, or you might wonder why they can never seem to relax and sit still. How to build intimacy with your Acts of Service lover Perhaps the most important thing when it comes to loving a service-lover is to understand what kind of actions really matter to them and make them feel the most cared-for. The secret to understanding Acts of Service is that it’s not necessarily just any service that will make them feel valued. (Moms who’ve smiled their way through a Mother’s Day breakfast in bed when what they really wanted was to have the kids kept out of the room to make for an extra two hours’ sleep will understand that!) Does your service-lover work long hours at a demanding job, and love coming home to find dinner already planned? Do they hate talking on the phone, and feel deep relief when someone else takes care of calling for doctor’s appointments or home repairs? Is their idea of a perfect Saturday morning being woken up with a kiss and a cup of coffee made exactly how they like it? If you don’t know, ask them—but there’s a good chance you’ve heard some clues in the form of “Could you just for once do…” or “Why am I always the one who has to…” Of course, it’s not always about something as mundane as household chores. If they also value touch as a love language, for example, they might bliss out over a long foot rub at the end of a long day, or cherish an erotic massage with a massage candle like the Selfserve Massage Candle to help them relax into a state of sexy pleasure. Groove on their vibe If they’re intrigued by using toys together during sex, take the initiative to do some research to find ones you’d both enjoy—and plan the trip to the store to check it out in person! (If they also value gifts as a love style, surprising them with one of the ones they picked out is a two-for-one in expressions of love.) You could get an app-controlled vibrator like the We-Vibe Nova and show your love by designing the perfect vibe pattern for them using the app. Do they have trouble finding or maintaining a sex position that works really well for your favorite playtime pleasures? Consider getting them a Liberator sex support cushion to maximize their pleasure and eliminate discomfort. Get a little more literal with kinky service Are you both turned on by BDSM fantasies? Your service-lover might love some service of the spicier variety. If you’re so inclined, offer to spend an evening letting them tell you what they want you to do, and hearing only “Yes, sir” or “As you wish” while you carry out their instructions. Or perhaps their pleasure lies more with performing service and receiving some erotic orders! It’s true that for many people, being able to let go of having to make decisions or figure things out, and simply being told what to do, is extremely sexy and pleasurable even if they’d never feel that way outside the bedroom. Is that something you’ve never discussed together, or that you’re not sure they’re interested in? Consider checking out The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton together. These kinky classics have been updated over the years, but remain fun, whimsically-illustrated easy reads that make BDSM exploration feel a lot less intimidating (and cover important physical and emotional safety information). Do, or do not—there is no try The great thing (in my humble opinion, anyway) about having an Acts of Service-driven lover is that it’s relatively easy to see a change in your relationship once you understand them enough to make an effort. There’s not a lot of ambiguity in service; you either performed an action that will please them, or you didn’t. And once you’ve taken an action, your service-lover is likely to accept it as you intended it. The action itself is evidence, so they’re not terribly likely to question whether you “really” meant it. (You might, however, need to reassure them that they weren’t being too demanding or making you feel burdened!) Don’t be surprised, either, if your service-lover reciprocates by going out of their way to express love to you in your top love language! For an Acts of Service lover, learning another “tongue” in the love languages is the perfect act of service to show you how much they care. How did you enjoy this series? Are there more topics you’d love to see us talk about here on the Blooms Blog? Drop a comment or reach out and contact us—we love to know that the content we’re writing is helping you achieve our mission of “Pleasure for every body”!

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