How to Rediscover Sexy Together

It’s something every couple or moresome goes through: No matter how deeply you’re in love, now and then life gets in the way of your intimacy. Sometimes it’s a sign of issues in the relationship, but many times it’s just plain overwhelm. Busy schedules, stress, sleep dep, even a thriving social life can leave one or both of you feeling worn out and not even a little sexy.

The good news is, you’re not doomed to just collapse apathetically into bed together every day until you get that unicorn of a sleep-drenched 3-day weekend. If you and your lover have been feeling lonely for each other but struggling to reconnect, read on for our tips to help you get back in your loving groove.

Set yourselves up for success

Before you race around lighting every candle and searching for your sexiest outfit, let’s take a step back and set some realistic expectations for yourselves. It’s not going to help anything if you’re turning this into another big project with a tight deadline. Take a moment:

• Are you still in the thick of whatever’s been robbing you of your lust for life? There’s a saying that goes something like, “You should meditate every day for 15 minutes; unless you’re too busy, in which case you should meditate for an hour.” Maybe that’s where you are, and you just need to take back some of your time no matter what. However, it’s also okay to realize that you’re still in crisis mode/the holidays are still going on/your work deadline is looming and you won’t really be able to relax for a while yet. Check in with each other and see if you can plan a better time to focus on each other.
• Ask each other what it is you each need. Maybe one of you is just starved for any physical affection, and the other feels “out of mind” when you’re apart and craves some sexting. Find out if you have intimate needs besides sex that want some attention.
• Make an agreement that this is a process, not a one-time quick-fix, and talk about how often you’re going to commit time to each other. Do you need smaller moments every day? An entire evening per week for a date night? Agree to adjust as you try it out and see what works.
• Resist the urge to put too much pressure or too many specifics on your time together. You might really be craving some mind-blowing, orgasmic sex, but that doesn’t mean that carving out 10 minutes of cuddle time is a waste. Let the goal be to reconnect in any form that it takes, and to really be present with each other and enjoy each other during your time.
• Agree to make your time together a priority. If you’ve got a date night, sex plans, or even just a morning snuggle on the calendar, make sure that nothing short of a real emergency cancels it. Intimacy thrives when you show each other that you matter to each other. (That said, be willing to shift gears if one of you isn’t doing well—a date night can become a night in, sex can become a back rub or makeout session, cuddles can become a supportive long talk.)
• Remember that you can get started on your own. If your partner’s not feeling ready to get lusty again, you don’t have to put your own passion on a shelf. Let them have their space, and treat yourself to some mojo-boosting me-time—wear the clothes you feel sexy in, spend more time masturbating, get a massage, play your hot sex playlist, whatever you need to feel luscious again.

Start your engines…and let them warm up

Much as every Hollywood romcom would have us believe that love is demonstrated by grand public gestures and last-minute races through the airport (not really practical in the age of TSA), the reality is that lasting intimacy is built out of moments. Small, even ordinary moments that together change the color of your relationship map.

Trying to recapture sexual passion, romance, and intimacy only through lavish surprises or big nights out is like trying to win a marathon by sprinting. Sure, in the short term you’ll track some progress, but if that’s all you do, in the end you’ll be too spent to sustain anything in between.

When you’ve been out of touch with your lover, reconnecting can feel awkward and forced if you start too big. Try instead to find the little ways that show them that they’re your sun and stars. This will look different for everyone! It might be making sure to kiss each other before one of you leaves the house. It might be holding hands when you walk together. It might be texting or messaging each other during the day, or doing little things to make each other smile. Check out our series about love languages if you need help figuring out how to give your lover what they need, or ask for what you need. Sometimes we hit a stalemate just because we don’t really understand what makes love satisfying for each of us.

What were the simple moments you most remember from a time when you were both feeling more passionate? Are there any of them that you can re-create consciously every day, less a time commitment than a commitment to making the effort? This is a new habit, so don’t hesitate to help yourself out. Go ahead and put “kiss my spouse good morning” on your to-do list, or use hanging up your coat when you get home as a trigger to remind you to tell them you love them.

If you haven’t had sex in a while, you might want to work up to it with some non-sexual touch and intimacy first. This comic explains the process of sensate focus, a couples’ therapy technique for exploring and rebuilding intimacy without requiring orgasm as a measure of success. See if it feels like something that could help you and your partner(s)!

Mix it up with something new

Something that can play a big part in those “meh” times is when things have gotten a little too familiar. If everything feels rote, you can be performing intimacy while still being emotionally or mentally checked out. Sometimes shaking things up a little makes all the difference!

• Pick a different room to have sex in, or see if you can nab a place to stay for a night to get away from your usual routine.
• If you don’t usually use toys together, hit up your local friendly sex store and survey your options (don’t be afraid to ask for help—we love it when you do!) There are plenty of toys that are meant for couples’ play, and others that can help with issues (like level of penetration) that may have made sex less than stellar.
• Is there a kind of sex play that one or both of you has fantasized about, but never tried? As long as both of you are game for it, this can reignite your lust in a big way!
• “New” doesn’t have to be extreme or edgy or kinky. It could be as simple as a different position or changing up your routine—putting on music during snuggle time if you normally don’t, calling each other by a new pet name, having sex in the morning instead of at night.
• Often, trying something different feels weird, and that’s okay! Give yourselves permission to be playful, even silly. It doesn’t matter if you giggle your whole way through your first spanking scene—laughing together is sexy and bonding!

It’s a buffet, so take your pick

There’s no one “right” way to reconnect with your lover. The important thing is that you’re both committed to giving each other more loving attention and staying open to find out what works for you. Here’s some more suggestions—try the ones that spark your interest, and ignore the ones that don’t.

• Get dirty when you get clean: Try showering or bathing together, not necessarily to have shower sex (although you can!) but just helping each other wash up. If your bathroom’s not set up for that, try drawing a luxurious bath for your partner, or drying them off when they get out of the shower.
• Make out like teenagers: There’s something so purely passionate about endless kissing like you did back when you weren’t sure how much further you’d go! Long kisses at random moments—when you’re washing dishes together, or watching TV, or when you’ve just parked the car—can keep you in the moment outside of full-on sexytimes.
• Take turns: One intimacy-killer can be the feeling that you should always be pleasuring each other at the same time. Look, simultaneous O’s are great when they happen, but honestly it’s pretty rare to be able to enjoy pleasure to its fullest if you’re also trying to give it. Let sex be an easy back-and-forth so you can each be present in both giving and receiving.
• Make eyes at each other: Research shows that prolonged, loving eye contact deepens bonding and intimacy. Besides, how often do we end up sharing space with someone but no longer really seeing them? Take moments to gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and shut the rest of the world out.
• Indulge your senses: Check out our series of posts on the 5 Senses of Sex for ideas on how to explore sensory pleasure in a variety of ways during sex. It’s so easy to lose touch with our senses and to feel like intimate times aren’t as satisfying for some reason.
• Relieving stress is sexy: It’s hard to feel pleasure when we’re wound up tight! Experiment with ways to relax together, whether that means trading massages, turning off your phones, or getting the kids out of the house for a few hours.
• The couple that naps together: If you’re planning a sex date, consider penciling in an hour or so for a power nap earlier in the day. Sometimes lack of connection is just lack of sleep.
• Get touchy-feely: For many of us, intimacy grows out of regular touch—and non-sexual touch is just as important! Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, quick kisses exchanged in passing, morning snuggles, hugs from behind, neck-nibbles, any or all of these are regular reminders that, oh yeah, you’re lovers. Skin hunger is a real thing, so let’s feed our lovers well.
• Electric love: Who says technology is cold and impersonal? Use what you’ve got at your fingertips to court your lover every day—texts or IMs, sending each other memes, Slack chats when you’re both blowing off work, quick FaceTime calls, selfies that say “I’m thinking of you”.
• Go for the romance: Romantic gestures do make a difference! What’s more, they can be even more effective when you don’t save them for birthdays or Valentine’s Day. Make them a “mixtape” playlist, pick wildflowers for them, serenade them in the car, eat dinner by candlelight, write them a love letter—it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive to be something they’ll remember for years. Make it really personal to them, even if it doesn't look anything like "traditional" romance.
• A new kind of oral: After a while, you start to feel like you know everything about each other—but do you? Ask each other “get to know you” questions or share something you’ve never told them before, even just a memory or childhood dream. We’re fascinated when we realize we still have things to discover in our lovers!
• Mash notes: You don’t have to be a poet to write them a love note. A simple “I love you” on a sticky note, left on a mirror or in a purse, is a warm-fuzzy surprise.
• A laughing matter: Remember how laughter is sexy and bonding? Whatever it is that you both find hilarious, go out of your way to indulge in it together. Bonus: your shared language of in-jokes and dumb references just got bigger!
• Make it special: Things like dressing up in lingerie might feel corny and cliche, but there's a reason they're so often suggested for intimate connection-- going out of your way to make sexytimes feel important and worthy of extra attention shows your lover that they're still a big deal to you. Don't feel like you need to be over-the-top if it's more stress than pleasure, but if you've got the energy for it, going that extra mile to delight your lover is a gift for both of you.

Extra credit reading

Maybe you need a deeper dive into some of the things we’ve talked about here—or maybe you’re wondering if there are bigger issues behind your shared dry spell. Here’s a few sex educator favorites to help you figure things out:

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: This is one of the best-loved books among Lotus Blooms staff and the sex-positive community in general, and for good reason! If your sex drives are mismatched or one or both of you seems to have lost it, this book can be a breakthrough in understanding why and what to do about it. Follow it up with the Come As You Are Workbook!
• Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas: A great book for practicing being present and mindful during sex, as well as understanding the idea of taking turns giving and receiving pleasure.
• Love Sex Again by Lauren Streicher, M.D.: A leading gynecologist explores many of the issues that can interfere with pleasure for people with vaginas and vulvas, and offers solutions.
• When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst: If part of the problem is that one of you has some spicier desires and the other doesn’t, this book can help start a conversation about how to understand each other and bridge your gap.
• Healing Sex by Staci Haines: A book that covers the spectrum of gender and sexuality, this is a great place to start if you suspect that one or both of you is feeling trapped in sexual trauma and unable to connect sexually as a result.

With the holidays freshly past and the longest, coldest part of winter ahead of us, it’s a time when a lot of us will be feeling tired or down instead of energized and sexy. It’s totally normal to just take a break from sex and turn into a puddle now and then, but when you’re ready to come out of hibernation, let these tips help you get back in the spring of things! Got more suggestions for ways to rekindle your lust with your partner? Drop them in the comments!