21 Ways to Be More Sex-Positive for a New Year's Resolution
Most resolutions are strict and unforgiving, more about punishing yourself for the “sin” of imperfection than anything else. Instead, resolve to treat yourself with kindness, give yourself pleasure and comfort, and love yourself a little more compassionately this year.
Practicing sex-positivity is a terrific way to start off in that frame of mind—but it IS practice, something to do consciously and (we hope) with a playful, adventurous spirit. To get you started, we’ve come up with 21 ideas for small steps you can take in the direction of being more sex- and body-positive in the year to come.
1. Try a new toy. Or, maybe try a toy at all for the first time. It doesn’t matter what kind. Vibrators are popular for a reason, but there are so many types out there for just about any kind of pleasure you can imagine. If you already use toys by yourself, but not with a partner, see if you can introduce one of them into your sexytimes together.
2. Work out—your pelvic floor muscles, we mean! No matter what genitals you have, doing pelvic floor exercises (also called Kegels) will help you have better sex and possibly stronger orgasms. They can also help alleviate pain or discomfort during sex (though you should consult a specialist as well if you’re having pain). If you have a vagina, insertable vaginal weights can help you strengthen those muscles.
3. Lose the obsession with orgasms. We know—whatwhatWHAT? Everything we’re told about having great sex in this culture centers on having more, and more intense, orgasms. Let’s be clear—we are ALL FOR orgasms. They’re great! But the problem with the O-centric approach is that it defines “successful” sex by cumming, and cumming the “right” way. First of all, there is no one right way to have an orgasm, and second of all, you can still have incredible sex without cumming. Or, you might find that you can only orgasm from one or two very specific things, which may not include penetration. All of it is normal and okay. Letting go of the need to cum in certain ways or every time takes a lot of pressure off and lets you simply enjoy each moment of intimacy.
4. Make a sexy date with yourself. If you rarely masturbate, or if your solo sex is more of a quick one off the wrist when you can squeeze it in, treat yourself to something more luxurious. Plan some uninterrupted time now and then to really love on yourself. Explore your body beyond your usual erogenous spots; touch and massage yourself all over; use all your favorite toys (or find some new ones to love); and let it last as long as you want. Prioritize your pleasure.
5. Savor some erotic media. Yes, we’re saying watch some (ethically produced) porn! But also consider checking out some different erotic art forms. Read erotica, or if you’re an audiophile, check out a site like Dipsea where users upload erotic audio tracks of all kinds. Look for an online strip show or enjoy smutty graphic novels. Bonus points if you can support independent sex workers in the process!
6. Expand your beauty standards. Often, part of what makes it hard to love our own bodies and feel good about them sexually is that we’ve been taught that only a very narrow range of body types and facial features are desirable. If we feel like we fall outside that, it’s hard to see ourselves as worthy of love and sex. Deprogram yourself by seeking out images—particularly boudoir or erotic ones—of bodies of all ages, races, sizes, shapes, genders, and abilities. See what it looks like when a body like yours is presented as sexy and beautiful. Try to appreciate the glory of bodies that are outside what you’re usually attracted to. You don’t have to want to sleep with them to be able to start seeing them as sexual and even hot. It’s an incredibly radical act to enjoy beauty outside what you’ve been told is beautiful—and when you start to see it for yourself, you start to see it IN yourself.
7. Get an STI screening. Yes, even if you’ve been quarantined all year. Even if you haven’t had sex in a long time. If it’s been a year or more since you’ve been screened, make an appointment. There are services out there now like Nurx that will even help you get screened by using their kit at home and mailing it to their lab. Being sex-positive includes destigmatizing STIs, and destigmatizing STIs includes making it no big deal to get screened regularly (and to share your results with your sexual partners). Plus, it’s body-positive to take care of your body and treat any conditions that come up.
8. Learn about other sexualities. It doesn’t matter if you’re dyed-in-the-wool [orientation] and you are certain you’re never going to budge from that. This one isn’t about your own explorations, it’s about being informed, being an ally, and helping to normalize all sexualities. Pick up a book like Trans Like Me to learn about transgender sexual concerns; if you’re a man, read erotica written for women. Read about kinks you may never try, or about the lives of sex workers. Not only will you be better equipped to understand fights for sexual rights and freedoms, but you might find something that translates to your life—for example, cisgender lesbian sex upends the expectation that penis-in-vagina sex is the “end goal” of any intimate encounter.
9. Fantasize. Sure, you already do, as do most of us. What we’re suggesting here is to let your mind and body wander a bit further than your favorite fantasies. What little moments have struck a spark in you, but that you’ve never really let yourself think about? What fantasies do you feel like you’re not “allowed” to have? Remember, you don’t ever have to act out a fantasy in real life, or tell anyone about it, so it can be as taboo or wild or unrealistic or simply as unlike the real-life sex you enjoy, as you want it to be. Of course, you might also discover something you do want to try, and that’s awesome too!
10. Buy—and wear—something that makes you feel amazing. This one might go double for masculine-bodied people, who are almost never encouraged to wear anything sensual or sexy (and we sympathize about how few choices there are out there compared to feminine lingerie). But regardless of your gender presentation or preferences, it feels really good to wear luxurious fabrics, beautiful colors, and styles that you find sexy. You don’t have to wear it for anyone but yourself, so if you’re single, this still applies. There’s no reason you can’t lounge around your bedroom in a lacy teddy, silky pajamas, or even a corset and thigh-high stockings if it makes you feel good—and we all need to feel good right now.
11. Discover what drives your sex drive. Do you know all your erogenous zones? Could you tell a lover not just where, but how hard and how fast or slow to touch you to get you off? Do you feel like you’ve got a higher sex drive than your body is up for? What makes you feel sexy, and what shuts you down? Take some time with a book like Come As You Are (a staff favorite—read our review!) to really explore yourself and what you need in order to be sexual. There’s a workbook, too, to dig even deeper.
12. Make sure your sex fits your body. We’re always shown images of certain positions, a certain order of events, a certain length of time to have great sex. Those images are usually made with and for young, thin, able bodies that are in pretty great shape (and have the benefit of careful editing and other magic). The reality is that sex should fit your body, not the other way around—and every body is unique. If you have a bigger body, you might need a longer toy. Some positions might just be impossible for you, and that’s okay. Make sure you aren’t robbing yourself of pleasure by trying to make yourself have sex the way you’ve seen in movies or in porn.
13. Peek outside your comfort zone. What’s something you’ve been wanting to do, but have been too afraid to try? Maybe it’s online dating, or telling your partner about a kink you want to try, or using a toy for the first time, or even masturbating. Make a deal with yourself that you’ll think about or research or plan for taking one baby step in that direction. It’s okay if you’re not ready to take it yet, but start getting comfortable with the idea of it.
14. Go back to sex ed. Most of us had atrociously lacking sex ed, or outright misinformation, or sometimes nothing at all. A lot of what we learned about sex was cobbled together from advice from people in our lives, things we read in magazines, stuff we saw on TV, and whatever we took away from experiences with lovers. Seek out a class about some aspect of sex, like a workshop offered through your local adult store, or find a book like Becoming Cliterate that fills in some of the gaps in your knowledge. That old commercial was right—reading is FUNdamental!
15. Listen to (or tell!) real-life sexy stories. Storytelling has become a widely popular performing art form in the last several years, especially with the advent of podcasts. There are a number of storytelling shows and podcasts out there that are dedicated to stories about sex. The beautiful thing about hearing other people’s sex stories is that it shows you how normal all of this is, and how imperfectly we all deal with our sexuality. If you get up the courage to tell your own story at such a show, it can also be amazing to have a whole audience cheering and celebrating you for being your sexy self.
16. Define who you are. Some of us have done a lot more of this than others. If any part of your sexual identity falls in line with mainstream expectations—if you’re straight, if you’re cisgender, if you’re monogamous—there’s a good chance you’ve never had to question that part of yourself. We’re not saying you’re wrong about it, just that it can be surprising and enlightening to spend some time asking yourself the kind of questions about your identities that other groups like trans and queer folks did as they explored who they were. It can make you more sympathetic to what others have experienced, and you might come out of it with a clearer idea who you are and what that means to you.
17. Start an erotic journal. If you like to write or doodle, take your sex positive journey to the page. Write out your fantasies, make notes about toys you want to buy, make “fuck it” lists, write sexy poetry or slashfic. Journaling is also a fantastic way to process things that you’re struggling with. Sex positive doesn’t mean you have to feel positive about sex all the time, and in fact, dealing with the pain and confusion and trauma and loneliness that most of us have had at some point is absolutely part of a healthy sexuality.
18. Get more lube. You might have a bottle sitting around—right? Quick, without looking at it, can you say whether it’s silicone or water based? How long have you had it—did you know that lube expires? Don’t rest on one purchase made back in 2013. Explore our intro guide to lubes and make sure you have the right types for your favorite toys and your favorite ways to play.
19. Make a sexy playlist. We lament the lost art of the mixtape back in the day—the careful arrangement of songs, the magazine collage cover art—but it’s pretty great to be able to knock out a playlist of just about any song you want in no time at all. Pick out the songs that bring back steamy memories or just put you in your groove every time, and play it whenever you need a hit of sexy mojo to make you feel alive.
20. Create erotic art. Let’s face it, we’re all going to be hunkered down for a while longer until the COVID vaccine is delivered to enough people, so we’re going to need hobbies to get us through. Why not get sexy with your crafts (not in the Ghost pottery scene way, though hey, that works too!) and try your hand at something a bit scandalous? Write a smutty short story, study the art of the sexy selfie, learn to draw nudes, 3D print some genital-shaped jewelry, cook up some aphrodisiac dishes, or practice elaborate shibari on your partner. Hell, paint each other and have sex on a canvas—no one has to know the source of that “modern art” in the living room!
21. Celebrate who—and where—you are. Maybe you’ll try some of these things and you’ll still struggle to feel good in your body or relax and enjoy sex. Maybe you’ll discover something startling about your sexuality. Maybe you’ll discover you’re on the asexual spectrum and want to leave all this behind. Wherever you’re at, however you feel about yourself, you’re normal and beautiful. If you do nothing else from this list, consider taking some time to love your identities and let go of feeling like you’re weird or broken or don’t measure up. You might be someone different down the line, but where you are now is absolutely okay. Give yourself a break and try to throw out all the standards for what you “should” be. All you “should” be is authentically you. And that is a radically sex-positive act.
Remember, all of these things are just suggestions. Use the ones that sound fun and intriguing, or use them as inspiration for your own practices, and don’t beat yourself up if you try one and don’t like it or can’t stick with it. You’re wonderful as you are, so let your new year be all about celebrating yourself in whatever form feels right.
Did any of these spark questions for you? Get in touch and let us help you figure it out! Got more suggestions for this list? We’d love to hear them, so drop them in the comments!
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