How to Choose a Strap-On Harness
Underwear style, strappy style, and everything else you actually need
Strap-ons have kind of an urban legend quality about them in the world of sex toys, it seems to me — they're equal parts fascinating and the subject of lots of nervous, giggly jokes. There's a bit of mystique around them, and a lot of people are curious but also intimidated. I think a lot of people see strap-on sex as a very advanced or edgy kind of sex play.
Well, I'm here to tell you that using strap-ons is totally normal, a lot more common than you might think, and sexy as hell. It's a versatile toy that opens up a lot of options for variety in your sex life, no matter what your gender or orientation, or your partner's.
What's In Here?
What You Actually Need
If you want the short version before we get into it, here's the whole kit:
- An insertable toy with a wide flat base, or another way to stay put (like a second insertable end)
- A harness or brief made to hold that toy
- Lube that works with your toy — non-silicone lube for a silicone toy — and with your intended play; anal usually wants something thicker
- An O-ring that fits your toy, if your harness takes swappable rings and didn't come with the right size
- Condoms, if you're using the toy with more than one partner, or switching between anal, vaginal, and oral in one session
- (Optional) A stabilizing support, like the SpareParts O-Stabilizer Ring, if your toy's base turns out not to be wide enough to hold position
- (Optional) A small bullet vibe, if your harness has an interior pocket for one
The two decisions that matter most are your harness and your insertable. We'll spend most of our time there. But first —
First, a Little Myth-Busting
One of the things that holds a lot of people back from ever trying strap-on play is the common myths and fears that somehow make their way into our brains. Let's unpack these for a minute and hopefully put your mind at ease.
"If I’m a straight man who gets anally penetrated, it means I must be gay."
This is a BIG obstacle for a lot of straight men, and yet the truth is that anal sex with a strap-on has nothing to do with sexual orientation. People of all genders and orientations love it, because the whole anal area is packed with highly responsive nerve endings. All it means is that you're a normal human with nerves that send pleasure messages when stimulated with friction or pressure.
“If I'm a woman with a vulva who likes wearing a strap-on, it means I secretly want to be a man.”
Pretty much the same deal. Genitals don't equal gender, and enjoying wearing a strap-on just means you enjoy penetrating your partner with a toy. Even people with penises often enjoy wearing one
“Wearing a strap-on won't look sexy or feminine.”
Two things. First, there are plenty of more feminine-styled harnesses on the market. Second, people who are turned on by strap-on play are pretty likely to find the sight of their lover in one incredibly sexy no matter what type it is.
“If my partner wants to be penetrated by a strap-on, it means I'm not satisfying them.”
Ouch. This is a tough insecurity to deal with, but the truth is that no toy is ever a replacement for a lover's body or actions. If anything, the fact that they're sharing this fantasy with you is an act of deep trust. It simply means they want to add to your shared repertoire.
“My partner will think I'm weird or deviant if I say I want to try one.”
I can't promise you your partner won't have any hang-ups about it, but I can say it's a normal and common thing that lots and lots of people enjoy. I'd advise introducing the topic gradually, when you're both relaxed and playful — maybe start by asking to share some fantasies, mention that you like thinking about or looking at images of strap-on sex, and see how they respond.
If they don't seem into it, see if they'll tell you why. It may just take some time to get used to the idea, or it may turn out they really don't want to. It may also take a few conversations, or a shared trip to your local sex store to learn about it together. Good luck.
Choosing Your Gear
It's understandable that the idea of using a strap-on can be a little overwhelming. There are a LOT of choices out there, and a number of decisions to make as you pick out your toys.
If you live somewhere with a good education-based sex shop, it's absolutely worth going in person and having the staff help you get set up. This is an investment, and a store sex educator can make a real difference in helping you make the best choices for yourself. (That's us, if you're in the DMV — 1017 King Street in Old Town Alexandria.)
If you don't have that, or you're just not quite ready to talk to someone outside your relationship about it, that's okay too. There are plenty of places to order high-quality, body-safe toys online, and plenty of guides to help — including this one.
The Two Main Harness Types
Most strap-on harnesses that sit in your pubic area fall into one of two camps.
Underwear Style
Exactly what it sounds like: a pair of underwear with a ring in the front. The cut varies — briefs, boxers, high-waisted, crotchless — but the principle is the same.
For a lot of people this feels the most natural and comfortable, and it's often the most aesthetically pleasing. There's more fabric involved, so the material tends to be softer against you.
Two things people bump into, and both have an answer inside the category. If you'd rather your own genitals and anus weren't covered, a crotchless cut solves that. And if you've got a rounder belly and a standard waistband won't sit high enough to stay put, a high-waisted style will.
Strappy Style
A waistband and front panel connecting to straps that go around the outer thighs and under the butt. These are usually very adjustable — the waistband and each strap are some combination of stretchy and adjustable, which is what lets one harness fit a lot of different bodies.
Some people don't love the look as much, though plenty of people love it a great deal. They tend to sit higher on the waist and generally feel more stable and secure — especially for bigger bodies. This style also leaves the vulva, perineum, and anus exposed, which some people prefer.
The Lush Beginner Strap On Harness is a budget-friendly way in, and the one we hand people most often when they're starting out. The straps hug the bum cheeks, which gives you real support during thrusting — and frames things rather beautifully while it's at it. The soft, plush purple fabric adds comfort as well as structure.
It'll absolutely get the job done. That said: if you can spring for it, the SpareParts Joque is a much comfier harness — especially in the thigh straps — as well as easier to use and more durable.
Beyond the two
Within both there are more choices. Some harnesses have a pocket for balls. Some have a second ring for another insertable or a packer. Some have an interior pocket for a small vibe. Some have a stretchy built-in O-ring, while others use metal rings that swap out on straps that unsnap.
There are also more specialist options — thigh harnesses that strap around your leg, ones that combine a gag or mask with a harness, or a beautiful harness constructed out of rope in a shibari pattern. Those are a little outside the scope of this post, but it's worth knowing they exist.
Again: if you can get to an adult store and try a few on, that's the ideal way to find one that's comfortable, fits well, and feels good to you. Browse our full strap-on and harness collection if you'd rather start from your couch.
Choosing Your Insertable
We could — and probably will — write an entire post about dildos. The sheer scope of variety makes for almost infinite combinations. For now, here are the choices that matter most.
Overall look. Do you want something that looks exactly like a human penis? Or the opposite — something phallic in a shape and color that's completely abstract? Or something whimsical in between?
Base. You can get a flat circular base a little wider than the shaft. It might be part of your fantasy to use a toy with realistic balls at the base. Or you might want one with a second end that goes into the vagina — dildos like these can sometimes be used without a harness at all, because the pelvic floor muscles hold them in place.
Material. Silicone is probably the most popular choice: it cleans easily, it's body-safe, and it feels good. Dual-density silicone has a firmer core with a softer outer layer to more closely simulate the feel of skin. You'll also find body-safe options in borosilicate glass, properly sealed wood, and elastomer.
Avoid cheap jelly or PVC dildos — they are not body-safe. Tantus, Vixskin, and Fun Factory are all reputable brands making quality toys from safe materials.
Size. Consider girth as well as length, and allow roughly an inch for what the harness takes up. If you're planning mostly anal play, think about how fleshy the bottom's butt is and the top's belly is — you might want extra length if either of you has padding there. And remember that something that looks small in your hand can feel a lot bigger inside you, especially if you're not used to being penetrated.
Shape. It's not just whether it looks like a penis. There's a wide range: totally smooth and uniform, bulbs at the tip for G-spot and P-spot stimulation, ridges of varying size and intensity. Some are straight with some flex, some are curved, some have a slight angle.
Starting out, make the best choice for the kind of penetration you're planning and for the pleasure and needs of the bottom's body. Chances are that once you start playing you'll want to experiment with other types of play or other styles of insertable, and you'll start adding to your collection.
A Word on Lube
Worth its own heading because it's where people most often get it wrong.
Silicone lube degrades silicone toys. If your dildo is silicone — and it probably is — use a water-based lube with it. If you're not sure, do a patch test on the base.
Anal play wants something thicker than you'd use vaginally, and more of it than you think. Browse our lubricants collection if you need somewhere to start, and if dryness is part of the picture for you, our guide to lubes for menopause dryness goes deeper on what different formulas actually do.
Ready, Set… Play
Now that you've got your toys and your harness is adjusted and comfortable, you might be so excited that you want to dive right in, so to speak. Hang on. Leave yourselves plenty of time to get used to everything and try different positions. A few tips for beginners:
Wear it around first. If you don't have a penis, it can feel odd to discover how low your new equipment sits. It helps to put it on and just wear it for a while outside of sex until it feels more familiar.
Thrusting is a workout. If you're not used to it, you might find it's tiring or difficult to keep a steady rhythm. Don't be disappointed if you'd fantasized about pounding away at your lover like a machine — just focus on how fun it'll be to practice until you've got more stamina.
Use lots of lube. Then use more lube. Take breaks to refresh it and keep things slick, especially during anal sex of any length. Strap-on penetration can last as long as both partners want, so being lubricated enough matters for preventing micro-tears in the vagina or anus.
Yes, blow jobs on a dildo are hot. For the person giving, the position and the sensation of having a mouthful can be extremely erotic. For the person receiving, the sight of their partner combined with the tug on the harness is a seriously sexy combination — more so if the other end of the dildo is inside them, or the harness holds a vibe.
Let the other person do the work. The wearer lying or sitting with their partner on top is a great way to enjoy penetration if the wearer can't thrust for long. The partner on top can grind and move at their own pace, which is often easier for both of you.
Use pillows. Or foam supports, or bolsters from the furniture range — purpose-built wedges hold an angle in a way a stack of pillows never quite does. Whatever you need to do to reach positions you both love and feel comfortable in is normal sex for you.
Take your time. Especially if the partner being penetrated isn't used to having something inside them. Use fingers and mouths and other toys first, and penetrate gradually. When you're ready for the dildo, go slow and keep asking whether it feels good. You may want one hand finding the hole while the other guides the tip — yes, finding the hole is a challenge for absolutely everyone.
If your partner says it hurts, stop. Only move forward when they're comfortable with where they are and ready for a little more.
It's normal not to be fully penetrated the first time. If your partner is having trouble relaxing, or the toy turns out to be too big, or they've simply gone as far as they want to that day — that's fine. Neither of you failed. It means you trusted each other enough to experiment, and you've got more to look forward to if you both want to try again.
Come Ask Us
As always, we're here for questions. Drop a comment, contact us, or come into the shop at 1017 King Street in Old Town Alexandria and we'll do our best to get you the info you need for the strap-on play you're after.
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