A few weeks ago I was texting with a guy who clearly was interested in a relationship. One of those “I just want a boyfriend, I don’t care who—as long as he’s cute” types. While getting acquainted, I asked a question that (perhaps naively) seemed harmless to me.
“Do you ever hookup?”
At this point we had already set a tentative date to get drinks, so it was less a proposition and more of a legitimate question. He responded the he didn’t really, it “wasn’t his thing“ and asked about me.
“Sure. I’m sex positive so while I’m not opposed to finding a relationship I don’t have any issue with casual sex at all.”
His answer didn’t particularly thrill me.
“Oh, so you’re just cool with having fun while you look for a relationship.”
While this was sort of a half-truth, I responded in a non-committal sort of way and the conversation progressed to other things.
Our tentative first date never happened, he was overeager and pushy and I gave up a couple of days later but his revision of my answer stuck with me. Queer men have such a warped sense of sex positivity. For many (most, I would guess) they see it as a means to an end. Sowing wild oats is acceptable if and only if you are always simultaneously actually looking for something more. As a liberal, sex-positive, queer, feminist, cis man with an androgynous aesthetic this is so incredibly frustrating. (I won’t even go into my rant about “preference” and how that’s all a load of crap…)
While I respect all outlooks on sex and “hook-up culture,” I have to wonder where this hesitance for queer men to admit that sex is okay comes from. Why is it okay to have sex only if you tell yourself you’re simultaneously looking for Mr. Right? It’s very obvious that these men enjoy sex, because they really haven’t stopped having it. Those of us who admit to having it without remorse are of course usually branded as “sluts” or “whores” by our fellow queer men despite that fact that they are still having sex just like (and sometimes with) us.
To me, being sex positive means that because I am not in a committed, monogamous relationship I pursue sex with a number a various other men—without feeling guilty about it or having to tell myself that it is only a means to an end. Perhaps it is, and I’ll find an amazing man to settle down with (but the sex will have to be damn good…) and perhaps it isn’t. But either way, I’m through with the sex shaming and the subtle yet drastically important difference between “I’m sex positive” and “you’re okay with fun while looking for a relationship.” Excuse me, but no. I’m sex positive.
I should of course say that there are those out there who really do want to settle down, and really are only okay with an occasional hookup while they date and look for a long-term relationship. And that’s okay. But it’s also okay to completely and whole-heartedly have lots and lots of kinky sex without having to feel guilty about it, if that’s what you want.
Basically, it is your body to do with as you please. If you want to wait until you’re married before having sex, or if you want to wait until the third date, or if you want to be gangbanged in an alley (just remember post a lookout) it is your business and you have every right to have as much (or as little) sex as you wish, in any way, shape, or form that pleases you (except of course anything non-consensual, which is always a resounding “No.”) Sex can be a wonderful thing. It releases positive endorphins, it feels good… hell it even burns calories. Here’s a bunch more reasons, just for funsies. Sex is a wonderful and completely natural thing. Let’s all have it however feels right to us and learn to be a little more sex positive.